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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 12, 2016 9:32am-10:05am PST

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>> trevor: tonight our guest was going to be el chapo but then sean penn had to go and mess the whole thing up. i'm trevor noah an this is "the daily show." >> january 119, 2016. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to the show, my friends! welcome to the daily show. we have a great show for you tonight. the star of the hit off-broadway show "new york story" colin quinn ask here, everybody. yes, colin quinn is here.
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you know, it's weird. it's monday but it already feels like friday for me. no, because so many crazy things happened over the weekend. like usually weekends are reserved for sports games and bubble baths and dodging your landlord. (laughter) but news stories over the last three days have been insane. >> a dramatic capture. the world's most wanted, most dangerous drug lord joaquin el chapo guzman back in mexican custody. >> gusman is back in the same mexican prison he tunneled out of six months ago. (laughter). >> trevor: oh, way yeah, that makes sense, they are taking him back to the same prison he escaped from last time. well, what, do you think he learned his lesson. do you think that is what happened. i don't think mexico understand this is an international kingpin, not a badly trained maltese. stay, chapo, stay! stay, chapo! so they caught el chapo again. now he was first captured in 1993, only to escape from a
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maximum security prison by hiding in a laundry cart. because he too has seen movies.e prison because bugs bunny. (laughter) now this is not the weird part of this story, that is the crazy thing. the best part is that it seems like the authorities were able to track el chapo down after he gave an interview to sean penn for "rolling stone" magazine. yeah, just take a second to think about that. he gave an interview to sean penn and that's how they caught him. which left everyone asking the obvious question. >> i got to ask you, given the vast resources of the u.s. federal government, how did an actor find el chapo before the gdea and mexican army. >> dan, i got one word for you, ego. >> trevor: can we just stop for a second. that right there, that is not the shirt you wear when you are trying to lie low. you can see that shirt from
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space. what is that, el chapo? you running a multibillion dollar drug cartell, not hitting the late night buffet on a cruise ship. what's wrong with you? you are lucky joan rivers was dead, she would have arrested you for a fashion crime. what is that shirlt. it's disgusting. that's right, el chapo, you just got burned by the host of the daily show! what are you going to do about it! nothing! yeah! why? because you're in prison and you might escape and-- come looking for-- i didn't think before i-- okay, let's-- anyway, now obviously el chapo's first and perhaps last interview is a big scoop for any journalist. so for those who haven't red sean penn's 10,000 word article, i am going to give you a real sample of his writing. this is what he wrote. this is beautiful writing. this simple man from a simple place vowned by the sample affections of his sons to their father and his towards them, the simple man.
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he does not initially strike me as the big bad wolf of law. at this moment i expel a minor travelers flatulence. sorry. you fart and then you write about it? and with it, i experience the same chif allry he offered when putting kate to bed, as he pretends not to notice. we escape its subtle brume, that is a strange description for a fart. its subtle brume? sean penn literally thinks his own farts don't stink. and i join my colleagues inside bungalow. now what is crazy about this is not that sean penn turns this into an article about his own farts, but that he manages to make it sound like erotic fiction. i joined my colleagues inside the bungalow, where the el chapo slowly undoes his butt ons on his luxurious silk shirt.
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(laughter) (applause) so what's next for el chapo. >> this morning the u.s. is trying to extradite the drug lord el chapo to the u.s >> the americans have long wanted to extradite him to face justice in our court system. >> trevor: yes! extra disiet him to america-- extradite him to america. my personal suggestion send him toe mant i woak county because if they can keep a white person locked up forever, that mexican is never getting out. and there is another weird thing on the news this weekend, in the opposite of mexico. a man by the name of paul lepage who happens to be the governor of maine had to apologize for his racist statement. you see, he was talking about his state's heroin crisis which he has been known to blame on drug dealers from out of state. and this is what he said. >> these aren't people that take drugs. these are guys with the name d money, smoothie, shifty, these
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type of guys that come from connecticut and new york. (laughter). >> trevor: no, no, no, don't do that, no. cuz i know that seems like the racist part. it seems like-- just like table d money, smoothie, shifty, things like black dwarfs or-- but that's not the racist part. because unfortunately for us, black people, d money and smooth are the names of real criminals that they arrested. so here is the actual racist part. >> they come up here. they sell their heroin, then they go back home. incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young while girl before they leave-- young white girl before they leave. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? half the time they impregnate a young white girl before they leave. what happens to the other half of the time. what, are you accusing them of bfg lazy? do you think they're just driving become and they're like oh, snap. that's what i forgot, ampreg
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nation. -- ampreg nation. and another thing, governor, why are you even mentioning this when talking about drugs. heroin, that's illegal. interracial sex is legal. they're equally addictive, but still, only one is a crime. only one is a crime. so let's make like a refugee and move on to germany. which spent this past weekend curled up with an interesting book. adolf hitler memoir mein kampt is on sale in germany for the first time since world war ii and the first printing sold out quickly. >> trevor: yeah, that's right. it sold out, mein kampt sold out, every copy in germany was bought in just a week. what the hell, germans! like did you want to buy it before it went back into the disney vault? what were you rushing for? i don't understand this.
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like now to be said the he are issue was an annotated copy. german scholars have written notes to show how wrong hitler was and they think this will disswaid future hitlers or something am but people only read the headlines, people read germans buy mein kampt again, like if you want to read mein kampt that badly, just play it cool, don't rush in in the first week, just be chill. people are like hey, clause, did you hear, you know, hitler's mein kampt is out, and just be like oh, yah? oh-- which hitler? oh. i hadn't heard. >> yeah. >> maybe i will check it out if i have the time. okay. i'm going to the bathroom. yah? i'll be right back. i'll be right back. get the book! you've got to understand, germans, i know are you excited but it creeps people out. you can't rush in, it would be like if jar ed from the sandwich place went to a middle school talent show and sat front row
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center, yeah, exactly. it would be like dude, come on, at least go sit in the mez a neen, are you making us uncomfortablement but here my friends is the craziest thing that happened last week. kim north korea, may or may not have detonated a new clear bomb. a lot of people heard about that. no one knows why, but he says that they did and no one trusts him because he says crazy [bleep] all the time. and if you are asking trevor, why would kim jungun just make up that he dead natured a hydrogen bomb, well, here is why. >> he is a man who likes attention am particularly close to his birthday, which falls on january 8th. so this may have been his way of celebrating early. (laughter). >> trevor: that is the saddest thing i've ever heard in my life. like if quim jung unel braits-- celebrates with hydrogen bombs god help us the day chubby ever loses his virginity. what the hell, kim. i mean really?
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a hydrogen bomb? by now you should know how someone named kim gets attention. if you want attention and your name is kim, you can do simple things like launch an iphone app, or, you could pose for a magazine, kim. yeah. or even better, just make a sex tape with a black guy. that's-- yeah. no, don't you dare, don't you dare. i told you, it's not illegal. but extremely addictive. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty bucks a line. that's right- six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on.
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daily show. folks, i've got to tell you, i am so excited for tomorrow night. president obama's very first state of the union address. yes, i mean the first one that i am going to watch. it's actually obama's 7th. and also his final address, yeah. here to help us get ready is roy wood, jr. (cheers and applause) >> thank you, african. trevor, it's that time of year again when the president comes to the capitol building and tells america how it's been doing. why? cuz he has to. the constitution requires that the president check in with congress from time to time. and once a year is about all he can take. obama doesn't want to spend tuesday at 9:00 talking to congress any more than we want
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to miss ncis new orleanss to watch him. you still got it, quantum leap. the speech is to lay out the president's agenda for the year to come to pretty much everyone in the house, the senate, the cabinet, the military, and the supreme court. and every year, almost all of them stay awake the whole time. shh, she's sleeping. anyway, this year's speech will be obama's last before he leaves office. and then he could get back to his real passion, being jerry seinfeld's uber driver and taking hamilton seats away from hardworking americans. >> come on, mr. president, you've already seen it twice. the state of the union has evolved over the century. early ones were written out like a tweet but with unlimited characters. but the speech didn't become a mis-watch event until 1965 when president johnson delivers the first-ever prime time television address. >> for a second century, we
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labor to establish a unity of purpose and entry. >> may seem boring but remember back then most people entertain themselves watching metal fall downstairs, or just do whatever the hell this thing is. since then the state of the union's gotten more interesting. from the president's grand ent rance to everyone man handle the guy on his way out. he's married, seriously, congress. keep those panties on. plus face thyme for the house speaker and vice president, right, speaker boehner? don't do it, don't cry. but despite their mit kal differences, there is one thing all presidents can agree on. >> the state of our union is strong. >> the state of our union is strong. >> the state of our union is strong. >> sound and strong. >> strong. >> the state of the union is not good. >> you know, trevor, when america asks you if it looks fat
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in its jeans, it's not really looking for an honest answer. just say america has a bangin ass and be done with it, trevor? >> trevor: thank you, roy. and what can we expect from this year's speech? >> well, the rumor is that this year is going to be a little different, more of a preview of the exhibits in the obama presidential library, the affordable care act, the climate change deal, how he caught not one but two portuguese water dogs to fist bump. but what i do know for sure about this year's speech, obama has no more [bleep] to give. just look at this actual picture. he tweeted out last week. look at this picture. look at his face. he does not care. (applause) he's done. trevor, that's the same face i make when i'm about to leave my job. i'm in the mirror like [bleep] i'm done. i'm just-- . >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everyone, we'll be right back. thank you, all. all the hard work...
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(cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is a comedian who's show at the cherry lane theat certificate called colin quinn, the new york story. his web series is called cop show. >> cut. >> okay, cut, colin, what is wrong? exactly? >> the scene needs something. >> no, i don't think it does. >> what am i missing you need an obstacle. how about a cold. >> a cold. >> get sick. >> no, it won't be distracting at all. >> we're going to find him. >> you know, he doesn't really-- sorry, but do you have a cold? >> cut, steve, dnt improv off what he is doing. >> trevor: please welcome colin quinn! (cheers and applause) >> hi, folks. >> trevor: mr. klin quinn. >> yes, thank you, trevor.
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>> trevor: you are the new yorkiest thing i have ever come across in my life. >> yes. >> trevor: you really are. i met you when i first came to new york city. and i remember thinking when i met you, i was like, this man is new york. >> i remember thinking this man is joe hans burg-- johannesburg. >> trevor: thank you so much for coming to the show. it is great to have you here. you lost your voice this weekend. you may not have made it today. >> i did i went to the doctor and got a shot today for the show, so if i die, it's on your head. >> trevor: i don't think that's fair. you got the shot. >> i didn't say it was fair. i'm just saying, that is how it is. >> trevor: did your voice go during the show or one of those. >> during the show i did the show like, this two shows, i'm surprised people didn't just walk out and start swinging at me. but they sat through it, you know. >> trevor: did they laugh. >> they laughed but it was still weird talking like-- i'm not exaggerating. >> trevor: where did you put the mic. >> it is a body mic. >> trevor: you're doing. >> a body mic. >> trevor: i'm in the used to,
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i don't know what to do with my hands sometimes. >> on i a stage, i'm like where's the mic. >> always? >> trevor: my hands, this is what happens to me. >> but you do such good character stuff, i thought you would want to free your hands. >> trevor: all my characters have mics. >> i guess so. >> trevor: that's-- you are also, are you doing the one man show and it is directed by jerry seinfeld. >> yes. >> trevor: how on earth do you get that to happen? >> just, you know, we eat breakfast all the time so it is just kind of like a subtle kind of huh, man, i can't get this show, nobody will produce. i got a good show but i can't do nothing, jerry. i don't know what to tell you. well, i could step. >> jerry, no, you-- all right. if i could just throw your name around a little jerry, you show up for a few weeks, no big deal. >> trevor: and that's seriously how you got him to. >> no, he volunteers every time, yeah. jerry loves me. what? >> trevor: it all fascinates me. i'm trying to figure out how he directs you.
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like you and jerry seem so different in your stiels of comedy. >> that's what is good about him. he's bossy, you know what i mean? he's very-- he's very-- very prime, he is kind of-- looks good in a suit, very organized, you know what i mean. very severe, you have a severe side. >> trevor: you said nothing, you realized that. you started a sentence four times, he is very-- he's very-- you know the way is he-- like you, he's very-- you said nothing. >> i said severe at the end. >> trevor: you said severe at the en. >> i was proud of myself that i actually got severe. the crowd is going along about it, and you had to throw it in my face. i come out after a shot. i'm off in the outer space. i'm honestly fur yus right now. (laughter). >> trevor: let's talk about the web series." cops ." i watched the show when it first came out because keith robinson also stars in it. >> yeah. >> trevor: i will try to edit that out. i think he watches the show, that will hurt his feelings. why a web series, is that like just cuz it's the rage now?
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>> well-- i guess that's one way of spinning it. because yeah, i mean we just-- well, we try to bring it out to everybody. >> trevor: yeah. >> and slowly maybe it will be this. maybe it will be basic cable. maybe it will be a web series. and then nobody coughs up money. the l studio lexus put up money because a web series, obviously it's the new rage but at the same time, if i came to you and said would you do my web series, you would be horrified because there is no money. there is no service to the actual shoot, it's a web series. >> trevor: i didn't know there was car service before i came to america. i was-- that's how we got to our shoarks you just get there. >> you got there yourself. >> trevor: if you asked me, i would have come to your show. >> nice. >> trevor: you look like a rel cop in the show, by the way. >> oh, thanks. >> trevor: do you think if you weren't a comic you would have been a cop. >> i took the police test, i got a 96 and they never called me. >> trevor: because they don't like high scores what happened? >> i think it's because-- well, if you are get too high of a score you would not follow the rules, true.
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but also i think they knew it would go to your block where you grew up and ask, ring the neighbor's bell and ask what do you think of this guy. and apparently i didn't get very high scores there. (laughter). >> trevor: i'm picturing what people were saying about you that the police refused to ask you. >> i'm glad i don't know. >> trevor: you seem like you have that cop vibe to you. >> i got a 96, yeah. >> trevor: well, i don't know. >> i'm irish, irish people should be cops. because we believe in punishment. we believe in original sin. >> trevor: i don't even know how to process this information right now. >> well, we have like, you are supposed to have kind of a good cop which people don't like to admit, of course, should have the combination of the listening skills of a good bartender and unpredictable violence of a nu n. and i think that-- (laughter) >> irish people, catholic school is the police academy, basically, is what i'm saying. >> trevor: you talk about this in your show. >> sure, about the irish, everybody in my show. >> trevor: i love listening to you talk about new york, colin quinn. i will come and watch the show. >> thank you, yeah.
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>> trevor: i really will. i hope everyone watching the show will, you guys will as well. (cheers and applause) cop shoarks season one is available now on l studio.com. season two becomes available on february 2nd. colin quinn, new york story is playing at the cherry lane theater here in new york through january 309. colin quinn, everybody. colin quinn, everybody. (cheers and applause) the 88th southern parallel. we had traveled for over 850 miles. my men driven nearly mad from starvation and frostbite. today we make history. >>bienvenidos! welcome to the south pole! if you're dora the explorer, you explore. it's what you do. >>what took you so long? if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. >>you did it, yay! searchingcan you help?used car? start with the millions for sale at the new carfax.com! show me one-owner cars.
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depth. and when you don't feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you are just about in the right place to do something exciting.

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